Benefits of studying

Picture Career Day at Anytown Elementary School. A nervous man in a lab coat stands at the front of a hostile 8th grade class.

“I’m a scientist,” he explains. “I do research at a big university using the same kind of knowledge you guys are learning in Mrs. Peterson’s science class. Maybe one day some of you will be scientists, too. Does anyone here know they want to be a scientist?”

There is an uncomfortable silence as the 13-year olds glance at one another. The floor is opened for questions. Eventually, one young girl raises her hand if only to relieve the awkwardness.

“What kind of equipment do you use?”

“Good question,” he says with not a small amount of false cheer. “In my current research, I’m using thermographic cameras that detect radiation based on temperature. It’s just like night vision goggles.”

There is a murmur as some heads perk up — the kids have heard of night vision goggles and know that they are used by military personnel and James Bond to kill things. This is good.

“What are you researching?” asks another student.

He clears his throat. “Well, currently my team is studying some of the differences between men and women. Uh, yes, you in the back?”

“What kind of differences?”

He pauses. “Differences in, uh, differences in the way that men and women’s body temperatures react to, uh, certain stimuli.” The students note that the man’s face has turned a vibrant shade of maroon.

“So you watch the men and women get hotter with the night vision goggles?”

“It’s a camera, technically, and . . . yes, yes we do.”

“What are they doing while you watch them?”

The man looks to the teacher for help, but recalls that she took advantage of today’s talk to step out for a coffee and cigarrette. “Well, they’re, uh, they’re watching movies actually.”

“What kind of movies?”

“Um, a lot of different movies . . . ”

“Why would people get hotter while watching movies?”

The man silently wills the teacher to return to the room using the hidden power of his mind, but to no avail. He is cornered and alone.

“Well, some of the movies . . . some of the movies are dirty.” He finishes his sentence quietly and apologetically.

After a brief, stunned silence, a boy in the back row excitedly summarizes the preceding information: “You spy on people with night vision goggles while they watch dirty movies?”

“That’s not, that’s not exactly what I do, no, you see it’s a camera . . . ”

“How can I get a job like that?” the boy shouts. The man scans the room to see the rest of the students nodding their heads enthusiastically, waiting for an answer.

The man clears his throat. “Study hard, kids. Study hard.”

Applause.

This joke was brought to you by skepchick.